Ten Years
by Irised Rain
Summary: A/U. Assuming that Lazarus Rising did not happened, and this is ten years after NRFTW. The brothers viewed/remembered through another person’s eyes, someone who love one of them.
1. Chapter 1

I am trying very hard to get this right, not sure if it would turn out half way decent. But with season 4 episodes making me sad most of the times, I need some closure. In my twisted way, that means angst. And there is a storyline, if it doesn't get forgotten in my need for angsty outlet.

Disclaimer – thankfully I don't own them, would have forgotten all about storyline and made a mess of it with too much angst

Chapter One

After ten years, she still kept the picture on her dresser. Ten years, every morning his face is the first she saw in the morning, before even looking at her own in the mirror.

He looked like he did, always. The day the picture was taken. That was a happy day, the only one complete happy day she could remember.

In the picture, he looked young, at ease, happy; smiling like he has no care in the world.

The only time she ever saw him smiled like that.

She softly traced the line of his face with her finger, like she always did.

He looked as perfect as ever. She shifted her glance to her own face in the mirror. Sallow complexion, hollow eyes, like how it had been since he left ten years ago. He wouldn't recognize her now.

How did time even passed when one is in pain, in limbo? Is there a time limit on missing someone? Ten years, it just felt like one day.

She looked at his picture again. That smile still melts her. It was so happy, so simple; he would have smiled like that as a child. Never again, she thought, since he became an adult, would he have smiled like that. That mega watt smile he flashed so easily, so charmingly… that smile which disarm and charm effortlessly…never did anything to her. But this smile in the picture, it broke her. A child's smile, she thought, a child's smile when loved, when protected, when he was whole and complete.

There was a tension in the air, a musing like something, someone sighing… She looked around her. If he is here, she wants to hear his voice.

Dean… she said softly, like he could hear her, and flashed her that huge grin of his, which used to annoy her so much. Except, of course there is nothing, just the same picture on her dresser.

She took the one last look at the picture, and stood up to leave for the day. It is another day she supposed. Routine, work, home…

* * *

When she reached her office, she realized that she was wrong. Today is not just another day… as she saw the tall lanky form slumped in a chair at her desk… for a while, looking at the figure in the shadow, she felt her heart skipped a beat, it was almost like him. Then the figure straightened, and got up as she approached. She blinked. It was someone she wasn't expecting.

"Sam?" She looked up at him in query.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

He still looked the same. Or perhaps her eyes were playing tricks on her. Sam would always be the same Sam to her. Thoughtful, sensitive, kind, broody at times…like when they first met. Tinted vision, she thought, because she must have looked at him through Dean's eyes… Ten years would have changed him, she realized. She looked at him again, yes he had changed. He is not the Sam who had that puppy look anymore. He looked stronger, more manly, but less alive somehow… harder. Life wasn't kind to him either. She thought sadly.

"Hi Kathy" he gave her that slow, tentative smile of his which she remembered.

"Sam…" she began… "This is a surprise?" She lifted her eyes to him, looking up… She had forgotten how tall he is.

"Yeah…" he paused "I… eh … had something to tell you… but I am not sure if I should"

"This is about Dean?" She asked with her heart quickening.

"Yeah…" Again he paused and looked at her briefly, and quickly turned away; like he couldn't bear to meet her eyes.

"Sam" She put her hand on his arm. "Sam, what is it?" She tightened her grip on him. It was all she could do to not put all her strength into that grip.

"Kathy I am sorry… I never knew how things were with you…and… he never told me…" He can feel her emotions from how she was grabbing his arm. This is too hard, he thought.

"Look… I need to talk to you. But not here okay? I will wait for you outside, at the bench near the park… Get there as soon as you can." He released himself from her hold, and quickly turned away.

She looked at her hand, still lifted like she was still holding onto him. She could feel the colour draining from her face. She sat down, and stared at the wall in front of her. Somehow, she wasn't altogether sure she wants to hear what Sam has to say.

* * *

Sam was waiting for Kathy. He looked around him. Kids playing on the swings, mothers with strollers, fathers tossing baseball with their kids... This is so wrong. He thought. How did things get so messed up? He figured the letter in his hands. He almost wished he had not found it. Ten years, ten years the letter had stayed hidden. He had no idea how the letter had gotten into the backseat of the impala, and slipped into the space between the door and the seats.

If he had not decided to clean out the backseat once and for all… he may not even be able to find the letter. The truth is he couldn't bring himself to do a thorough cleaning for a long time. Too much of the smells, the feel of the car felt like his brother to him. The last time they sat in the car, singing at the top of their lungs, breaking almost… into tears… but not quite… because his brother had made it easy for him… made sure he knew that goodbye wasn't wanted, and he just want his brother to sing along with him, still taking care of him in the one single hardest moment in his life.

And now, for one last time he needed to do something for his brother.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Nightmare… The loop is playing out again. Over and over… this was her life. For ten years. Images haunting her, in loop; like some kind of graphic horror movie… except that there is no ending, no explanation, no final reveal at the end of the movie.

Kathy was suddenly aware that she hadn't moved since Sam fled from her office. How long had she been sitting there, lost in thoughts.

Her nightmare is always the same, like scenes playing in a movie. The first scene is the last time she saw him, the last words she spoke to him and the look on his face when she sent him away. So much words unspoken between them, and so much said with those green eyes. Those green eyes alone would give her nightmare for the rest of her life.

The next scene is all confusion… snaring, blood, tears, sweats, screaming… then nothing. Starting with the sound of a clock striking 12... Then out of the silence, she heard a broken voice…sobbing his name.

And the last scene, the worst. That picture. That picture of him happy. It was him looking at her, the only time he ever looked at her in that way. She couldn't bear it, seeing him complete and happy, because it hadn't been for long. A split second of happiness… a taste of heaven, gone forever…

She sometimes wondered if she was losing her mind. Somehow, the images were as vivid as if they were real. She knew the first and last scenes were, she had lived through them… but the second scene… what was that? She never saw it as clearly as the other two scenes. But whose memories was it? It wasn't hers, she knew.

Perhaps, now she is about to find out…She thought… Sam…

She got up, and left her office. She realized how fast her heart was beating as she walked towards the park, where Sam was waiting for her.

**AN** : There should really be another one or two chapters at the most. I have no wish to drag this into a long fic. The next chapter/chapters would be dark, I came across a verse from Oscar Wilde which chilled me, and gave me an idea to close this.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It is now twilight. In the little town she lived in, the streets start emptying out at this time. Parents rushing home to their children, aroma of home cooking in the air, sounds of people at home, watching TV, talking, laughing… family home together.

When the lights faded altogether, she realized that now they were the only people left in the silent park. Shadows lingering around them, tree branches rustling in the wind, softly sighing… swings swaying gently, like someone was still sitting on them.

Ten years of nightmare, trapped almost like in a prison of her mind. Ten years all came to pass in this one single moment when Sam told her what had happened to Dean. And she finally knew, now, that he is never coming back.

Something in her head kept screaming to her that the only way out of this is to end everything as it should. Or the nightmare would just continue… ceaselessly…

She realized that Sam was still talking, "Kathy… I am so sorry… the letter… I only found it the other day… that's how I knew… that you… you were waiting for him… all these years"

"It wasn't your fault. It was mine, I told him to go away and not come back. I have regretted that moment ever since he walked away."

She sighed. "The nightmares started after that. I knew, probably knew in all these times that he is never coming back to me. What I saw was what you saw? And that voice I heard that was you wasn't it?"

"But, Kathy, I don't understand… how could you have seen it? You are not…"Sam hesitated…"you are not psychic are you?"

She smiled bitterly. "No, I think that was just you. I think that was my punishment… for sending him away. That day, when he came to me… perhaps he was going to tell me the truth. But I got scared…"

She was quiet for a moment.

"Sam, the truth is I did something I shouldn't have."

"What, sending him away?"

"No, something worse than that."

"That letter?"

"It wasn't about the letter… it was because of that letter I did what I did"

He felt cold, at her words.

She looked into the distance, calm and composed as she related her story.

"You know my family owned all those artifacts, passed down from generation… I mean that's how we met in the first place… when you were looking for one of those artifacts for a hunt.

Some of them were powerful stuff… I never touched them more than I could. But after he left, I remembered a story from one of my cousins. He told me that one of the artifacts, a moonstone…he called it the memory stone, could open windows, vista of what you wished to see… if you are willing to pay a price for it…

He never told me what the price was… He said he wasn't sure, but it seem like anyone who used the stone would either lost part of their memories or worse, had their worst memories repeated to them over and over again, until they would want their memories wipe off."

She paused.

"I left that letter with him, in his coat. I had hoped that he would see it before he left. But he didn't. I waited for as long as I could… and then I couldn't bear it anymore. I was desperate to know that he is okay.

There was this sinking feeling in my heart ever since he left, I couldn't get him on his phone, not you either.... and I was so afraid…so I used the memory stone to see if I can find out where he is."

"What? You would live your worst nightmares all the time, just to find out where he is?' Sam looked at her incredulously.

She lifted soft calm eyes to meet his "Wouldn't you have done the same?" She asked, in a matter of fact way. "If it is about him, anything is worth it."

"But there was a punishment for using tainted objects like this… always a price. I was taught that as a child…but… I couldn't help it… and the worse of it wasn't the nightmare… it was the fact that I had used it.

And the punishment was worst than I could imagined. It meant not moving on, it meant not being to shed a single tears, it meant no redemption because when you hurt like that all the time, it meant you are separated forever from the grace of God"

She looked at him with dark, somber eyes. Sam almost flinch, there was something about her look, like she was reading him, looking into his most inner thoughts.

"You understand that don't you… what it was like to want to hold on to your anger, because it is the only thing that gives you a reason to go on everyday, and the need to punish yourself, because of the guilt…"

"It was like that for me, for the past ten years. I couldn't move on… couldn't forget… didn't want to forget, still holding on… so that the memories, even if they are nightmares… would stayed… because these are the only things I have left of him."

"I heard him, you know. Sometimes I could feel that he is somewhere around me."

They both heard the soft rustling of the branches around them. The wind was getting stronger, and the branches almost seemed like they were whispering.

* * *

Sam was back in the motel.

He was thinking about Kathy. What she told him… there was a point that puzzled him.

Those memories Kathy saw in her nightmares, part of it was his. She shouldn't have been able to do that, even with the memory stone.

He thought of that look she gave him, like she could look into him… He felt his senses sharpening, like when he was on hunt… something was wrong with Kathy.

* * *

Kathy took up the picture on her dresser. Dean. Finally it is over. No more waiting, no more wondering if he is still alive. Her room was in darkness, she had not switched on the lights, but she had no trouble finding what she was looking for in her dresser drawer: a small cardboard box.

The moonstone, she took the marble sized gem in her fingers, and caressed the smooth surface of the stone almost absently.

Tainted objects…her inheritance, her bloodline…her family… She finally understood that there was no running away from it, like her mother said.

The question is: what is she going to do about it?

AN: Next chapter should round up the story (hopefully). Thanks for sticking with the story… I had too many plot bunnies running around in my head, trying to put the thoughts down in as clearly as I could… hope it isn't too messy…


	5. Chapter 5

For only blood can wipe out blood,  
And only tears can heal.  
_- - - -Oscar Wilde "The Ballad of Reading Gaol"_

Chapter 5

Sam looked up into window. He had been there for an hour. There was no light in Kathy's room. He wanted to go in and confront her, but decided to bid his time, and watched her.

He would never imagine that the easiest explanation never occurred to him. Of course, if he thought about it, he would have realized that Kathy is his age… but there were never any sign that she had any power. That connection to him, seeing his vision, that only happened after Dean left.

He felt the wind around him again.

Kathy still held the stone in her hands. What Dean would have wanted, what she wanted, what is best for Sam.

What she wanted is never going to happen. Dean is gone, and only Sam might have a chance left.

She thought of what Dean said that last time, words she couldn't get out of her mind.

"I only wished that I could have kept Sammy safe, let him be himself, live his life…"

Ten years later, and Dean wouldn't recognized his little brother now. Sam is not Sammy, would never be again… those brown eyes, use to be soft, shy and alive… when Dean was around. Now there is a hardness, an anger in them; and what scared her the most was that there is no life in his eyes any more.

Dean had only one wish, and he had told her. There is really only one decision she could have made.

"This is for your own good, Sam" She said.

Sam felt a strong gust of wind whirling around him, blowing him almost off his feet. He also realized at the same time that there was a sudden flash of lighting in Kathy's room, before he was surrounded by darkness

* * *

The next morning, Sam woke up in his motel room. He felt that he had slept like he had not done for a long times. Like he had somehow been recharged, and renewed again. He looked into the mirror as he shaved, and noticed how red his eyes were. Had he been crying? He thought… but why would he be crying, he couldn't even remembered when was the last time he had cried? He frowned, there seemed to be something he had forgotten, but it was too vague to be remembered.

He drove away in the afternoon, he couldn't remember why he had come to town in the first place. Maybe Dean had sent him a co-ordinates or something. He really should speak to his brother about all these wild goose chases.

Kathy put the pieces of the stone away in the box. She picked up the picture she kept on her dresser and softly traced the line of his face with her finger, like she always did.

Ten years, she had bought ten years' times for Sam. She had stolen his memories of that last day when he had watched his brother torn to shreds right before his eyes. That day when Sam ceased to be the Sammy that Dean had know, and wanted to protect with everything he has to give. She has Sam's memories now, and she had replaced it with something else to make him believed that Dean was still around; just not with him physically.

Ten years, she hoped would have been enough for Sam to move on, before he remember that Dean was gone.

She had neglected to tell Sam the stone's full power the other day, although he would have figured it out eventually. As for her, those memories would never leave her now. She looked at the box containing the broken stone and she looked at the picture.

Perhaps she hadn't really wanted them to…

She felt the tension in the air, a musing like something, someone sighing… but this time it seemed that the sighing is softer, more contented.

AN. I know this is almost too crazy, and honestly the idea that Sam could ever forget Dean is just impossible… my only thought is that the only way Sam could move on without his brother, and not become the scary Sam we saw in season 4, or in Mystery Spot is if someone actually stole his memories of what had happened. There were just too many plot bunnies running haywire in my head, and I made a lot of omission in the story. Originally there should be a lot more background on Kathy, but I really don't want to put way too much emphasis on her. Again, thanks for sticking with the story, and putting up with the mess. The lines from Oscar Wilde gave me an idea on Sam's "redemption" but it involves too complicated a plotline… the last part is still true. Sam wouldn't allow himself to cry in ten years, and only the tears he finally shed gave him the emotional release to let go of his horrendous memories and moved on.


End file.
